This week was rough, I cried and struggled all week with different things. The reason being that I felt that I was doing so very good towards the end in Almagro and when I got changed to Urquiza I gave it all I had to make things work and work hard to be great. When I felt like I failed, things went downhill with my energy and faith. I hate to admit that, but its the truth and I needed to change my thoughts and get back into my groove of things. Thanks to tender mercies of the Lord and for having two of the greatest companions I could possibly have I was able to see miracles. Hermana Bray is a friend and teacher all in one. She listens intently and speaks when needed and her way with words is a gift to comfort others. Opposition is difficult yet neccessary to appreciate the blessings more fully.
I woke up friday morning after having a dream I found to be very profound and revelation for me... So here we were (a group of missionaries) As much as my old companion kept saying "I just want to go home" I kept watching her in my dream and then started to say the same. Our President in my dream said, for those of you who have thought that home might be better for you right now, we have designed a way for you to visit your home for a few days and see how you feel then you must return and report how you feel. So we all were in my home which was mixed into las vegas and St george it seemed... I saw many friends and family members and at first I was very excited. we all were very happy. But then, with time this happiness was fading out and we all could feel it. We went in groups to some parties with some of my friends back home and just kept going from place to place which was because nothing seemed to be worth it... we ended up returning more excited to be back in the mission field. We had a huge building that was like an mtc but it was on top of a huge mountain with a half circle drive way and everyone was glowing white that worked their. When we entered the building we werent glowing white like we used to when we were there before our trip. We became embarrassed and sad. three people from our group reported back that they were more happy to go home and they were given the opportunity to have friends come get them and leave. The building was tall above the clouds and the sun was setting beautifully. We could see a much prettier view as missionaries and we were all waiting for these three to leave. We were all crying for them. Their friends came in cars with loud music and screaming people that were all lost in oblivion and seemed just like the dark and spacious people across the river in Lehi´s dream- Tree of Life ( in the book of mormon) We all watched them enter these cars and speed down the long mountain and throw their Mission Plaques out the window crashing to the street. We were so incredibly sad for them that we felt our hearts actually aching. All of us that reported we want to stay were automatically turned white again and were part of the lords work again. We all stood there on this huge white staircase in the sunset and could feel all the people that would be lost from just these three missionaries going home. I reported that I realized home was not all I cracked it up to be in my mind. It was only distracting from the most important plan and purpose in the universe... the work of the lord. I realized that everything on our trip was temorary and distracting above anything else. I reported that I felt everything besides being a missionary is a huge giant waste of the precious time we are given here to make a difference. I awoke with a new energy. I was sad to think of ending my mission. I am more filled with fear of returning home and becoming average again then I am to be in a whole other country spreading love that only a missionary can 24/7.
Then in my studies I turned open to my book by John bytheway that ironically happened to be on the page titled, "5 scriptures that will motivate you to action." I basically said to myself, oh Heavenly Father... I love your sense of humor, thank you, I get it! We went out to work and Victor (an investigator) bore his testimony of gratitude for our service and sacrifice here as missionaries far from home. I shed a few tears that the Lord had used my investigator (who im supposed to motivate) as an instrument to help motivate me (the missionary) I was so taken back and humbled by this lesson we had and I felt the spirit reassure and console us all.
We prayed and prayed to find Carlos De La Cruz so we could talk about the importance of baptism and sure enough... the Lord heard our prayers. He called us... asking about when he was to be baptized! So this Saturday Carlos entered the waters of baptism and was a completely happier person during his baptismal service. It was beautiful. His family is now complete and Im sure his wife on the other side of the veil is very happy. Just yesterday before finishing up our work to head home I stood waiting on the curb in a streetlight as my companions were on a porch searching for which door bell to ring. I just decided to pray in my heart in thanks to my heavenly father for understanding me when no one else can. i thanked him for his patience, and divine love that unconditionally wraps around us when we need him. Just then in my hoodie and my face cold and buried in my scarf I looked at this old folks apartment home to see one window lit up and cozy. I saw in this window a man with white hair starring back at me with a smile. I removed my hood and my scarf from my mouth and smiled back. His hand went up in a kind wave and I waved back in response. Then pressing his hand to his lips and blowing a kiss as if to say Hello and farewell at the same time, I blew a kiss back and he seemed to have tears on his cheeks as he pulled down the shades. That was like a precious moment that could have been in a Chirstmas movie or something special. I felt my heart fill up with joy to know that that man noticed me and me noticing him made a big difference to him. Heavenly Father assured me with a comfort so clear this revelation that I find we all need to reflect on...
" Others actions may hurt you, others may not understand or may not have the ability to help or notice. But my dear daughter, I know you, I see you, I love you. You were created for greater good. You can and you do and you will always.. make a difference. I know you, Let that be enough to keep you going" we are all his children striving to be good enough, happy enough, work hard enough, but we may find comfort that He is always with us loving us all the while.
I cant believe its already 4th of July! I turn 22 AUGUST 29th!!! ahh im so old its scary!!!! haha time flies so fast!
On this 4th of July, i am across the world in another country serving the army of God. But I am ever so grateful for the men and women who have given their lives for the freedom of my country that I love. The land of the free that costs so much to keep it that way. Hna Bray and I will be having our own little BBQ and sing the national anthem with our little flags that we have. We will be wearing red white and blue and thinking of our families that we hope will enjoy all the fireworks without us. We pray for all the families in the US to look for all the tender mercies and blessings we have as an American people. To have a deeper appreciation this day as we reflect on the reality of whats most important and worth our time. Family is everything and freedom to choose is onie of the greatest blessings of all. I love you guys.... we are all under the same moon... its just in a slightly different spot haha.
You are all on my mind! Take care and have some fun!!!! HAPPY 4TH OF JULY 2011!!!
SEND ME A BUNCH OF CUTE PICTURES so im not missing out! LOVE YOU ALL!!! Chao
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Love Hna. Ashley Ann Gillum
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